Over and over, as if it was new information, connection keeps showing up as the lesson. We may think we are close, connected with others, only to find out they may not feel the same. The difficulty is that everyone has different expectations of what equals a true connection – for them. While we can have relationship where you don’t see friends for years and it is like no time has passed; for people you can see on a regular basis, I believe there are is a foundation to close connection – reciprocation in some form.
At work, if your employee shows up and you pay them, and that’s it, what is the result? They give the minimum, you give the minimum, and then you get the minimum from them. They may even start coming in less, or looking for a new job. Just to tell someone, “you get paid” isn’t enough to keep people truly satisfied in their work. It’s not just about money, it’s about feeling connected, needed.
This is true in friendships as well. When both sides give the minimum or one side feels they are always giving and not receiving above the minimum in return, the relationship may diminish, suffer or fail. The funny/ not so funny thing is, we tend to wear blinders and say, “I’m always the one giving” or “No one is reaching out to me”.
Its easy to see ourselves as perfect and everyone else as owing us. There’s an expression similar to: We judge ourselves based on our best intentions and others based on their worst actions.
Some questions to ponder:
- Are you reaching out consistently in some way?
We all have different skills. Some are “party planners”, some are not. Some are “gift givers”, some are not. Reciprocation isn’t an exact one for one. Anyone can invite another over for a cup of coffee/tea. No cost, no cleaning needed. Or text, “Hey can I drop by your house / coffee shop, so we can catch up?” Consider that you may not be giving above the minimum to the people you are being hurt by. If you want to be closer, reach out. (If you are good where your relationships currently are, even if you aren’t reaching out, then that’s ok, too.)
- On the flip side, Are you giving too much (without their request), then “making the other person a thief”?
If you’ve been told, “Wow, that is so thoughtful!” as people have happily, repeatedly taken gifts with no mention of reciprocation – you’ve likely exceeded your maximum. To continue to over-give then causes resentment for the giver. The receiver likely isn’t even aware you are upset- you’ve made them into a thief. You may be on the opposite side with some relationships – over the maximum – the flipside of below the minimum! This can be damaging to relationships as well. See if giving less makes you happier in that relationship.
- Are you asking/requiring things the other person can’t give you?
You many wish to change your expectations and/or behavior to avoid continuing to be hurt. That person may never be able to give you what you were asking for. Is what they are able to give you enough?
- Are you actually reaching out to “everyone”, or just investing in one or two people who have let you down?
Again, its easy to see ourselves as amazing and generalize it to everyone. Taking a step back and being objective about what has really occurred may provide insight.
Service, Selfless giving, donations, charity – all great things when giving with a open heart. The issue comes if your giving or your expectation causes you pain.
Love & Light,
Kat
katbeckman 