Today I’ve been pondering the idea of grudges. I view them in the same vein as complaining… a waste of time & energy. Change it or let it go.
Basically there are 3 *useful* choices to address anything you’d want to hold a grudge about.
- Talk to the person or organization that upset you and fully clear the air. While this is the cleanest and most rewarding option, it’s likely the most difficult, as few people enjoy confrontation.
- Decide that its not really worth holding a grudge over and fully forgive whoever hurt you. *This is different than stuff it down, ignore it!* If you find that you are still thinking about the issue, then you haven’t fully felt it and forgiven it. Fully feel the hurt and pain & let it go. If its still not gone, see #1, or decide to go with #3.
- Decide that the issue is not worth any more effort resolving and end the relationship. When you choose this option, you are choosing to accept the current result, and move on.
Ok, so how do you go about these options.
For #1. Assume their best intent. If someone says they want to talk with you, and then attacks you… then its not going to end well. So put yourself in their position. What possible good, no matter how unlikely it seems, could they have been thinking or doing. Approach the situation from an open, “help me understand”, perspective. Be as positive or at least non-emotional as you can be.
Sometimes I have this conversation in my head without the other person there, and it is enough to get me to Option 2.
#2. Feel the hurt, imagine yourself as a small child, one that is allowed to get upset and cry, even about something small. Let the hurt out. At the same time, imagine yourself also as adult you – like in the movies where there are 2 versions of yourself. Have “adult you” hold and support “little you” while you wail and scream and fully feel ALL the hurt and pain. Once the child is done expressing the pain, re-evaluate the situation. Can it now be truly forgiven and moved past? If yes, congrats, a good cry can really help. You are ready to “adult” again. If not, are you ready to move to #1 – calmly talk it out or #3 – move on from the relationship.
#3. The truth is, relationships end, friendships end. There’s a reason, a season, or a lifetime, to relationships. This may be one of those that was for a reason or a season. And that’s ok. You get to choose. Again, when you choose this option, you no longer get to be upset, angry, talk bad about the other person or organization, or any other emotion. It’s now neutral. If it’s not, circle back to options #1 or #2. If you are ready to let it go, forgive yourself for any failings on your part and on their part. Wish them only the best. If you think of them or interact with them in any way in the future, it is from a neutral to positive mindset.
Releasing your upset – in whatever form it is taking, and increasing your emotional stability will truly make you a calmer, happier, more creative person. And that’s my wish for you, for all of us.
katbeckman 